


only love can hurt like this

by anothersadsong



Category: Rogue One: A Star Wars Story (2016)
Genre: Dancing, Danger, F/M, Mutual Pining, finally getting their shit together in the end, mutual fantasizing, spies in love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-15
Updated: 2018-02-15
Packaged: 2019-03-19 01:32:33
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,047
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13694094
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/anothersadsong/pseuds/anothersadsong
Summary: for the rebelcaptain secret valentine exchange on tumblr. from the prompt 'an undercover/fake relationship becomes not-so-fake'.





	only love can hurt like this

**Author's Note:**

  * For [motherofangst](https://archiveofourown.org/users/motherofangst/gifts).



Even the simplest missions didn’t always go according to plan.

What was supposed to be a quick and easy reconnaissance + tracker planting was going into a week of failed attempts, Jyn and Cassian always getting close to their mark, but never quite close enough. But when a mark was as high profile as the General, maybe it made sense that finding access to him wouldn’t be quite as easy as mission parameters had made it out to be.

Even Joreth Sward at his smarmy best couldn’t quite get past the cadre of security surrounding him at all times during the weeklong and seemingly endless conference. Zel Djo Sward was having an easier time ingratiating herself with the General’s mistress, but time spent gossiping with the wives, mistresses, and other paramours the most lauded men in the Empire had brought as arm candy to the entirely boring goings on was not exactly exciting nor conducive to getting the job done.

At least they were somewhat placated with the knowledge that the more information they gathered, the better for the Rebellion. Still, the longer the mission dragged on, the more it felt like it might never come to an end.

The frustration was wearing on them both. But being in such close quarters and having to feign being a happily married couple intent upon working their way up the ranks was wearing on them worse.

It wasn’t as though both of them weren’t very well practiced when it came to taking on new names and personas both in service to the cause and in order to survive. They were far more accustomed to operating by themselves. And it wasn’t as though they hadn’t played those parts to perfection, but this was different. This was each other. And this was having to pretend as though they were ridiculously in love and having to sell it to everyone who set eyes upon them.

That wasn’t the problem.

The problem was separating the fantasy from reality, the real feelings from the fake. Or recognizing that maybe none of those feelings were as fake as both of them assumed.

The same affectionate little gestures that had become second nature when mingling with the crowds had easily translated to the times Jyn and Cassian found themselves alone in their uncomfortably opulent hotel room, sending missives, waiting for missives, both feeling stir crazy and trapped as all they could do was wait until the next opportunity to plant the tracker presented itself.

At first, neither one of them thought much about the little touches that they offered each other - the way that Jyn didn’t hesitate to brush Cassian’s overlong hair out of his eyes when he couldn’t be bothered to do it himself.

And when Jyn was standing at the full-length window, gazing out at the city, it surely didn’t mean anything at all when he quietly joined her, the warmth and weight of his palm pressed gently against her back a reassuring and calming force that she hadn’t known how much she needed.

Surely, the way he urged her closer to his side didn’t mean a thing. Surely, this was all just part of playing their roles. Surely, it shouldn’t hurt as much when one or the other or both eventually realized what they were doing and jerked away from each other as though they were burned.

Surely it wasn’t anything more than the mission wearing them thin. Surely …

As far as missions went, this was hardly the most difficult assignment Cassian had been tasked with. But finding himself alone with Jyn was turning out to be one of the biggest challenges of his career.

It wasn’t much of a hardship to look at her with an easy affection lighting up his eyes and to touch her with a familiarity only those comfortable in their shared intimacy could. But that was as Joreth and Zel, newly married upstarts in the Empire. They were in love, ambitious, intent upon making their way up the ranks by any means necessary.

Cassian and Jyn were another story altogether. Cassian and Jyn had been orbiting each other since before Scarif - since Jedha, actually. Cassian and Jyn both recognized that something had been growing and surrounding them well before they held each other in the hot sand, awaiting their imminent demise. They were too young to die, but at least they would die together. And as they held each other tight, they’d both found some measure of comfort in that.

But they hadn’t died that day. They’d hurriedly been picked up by the very last transport ship scanning the beach for far too few survivors, barely making it off-world before the destruction hit.

When Cassian’s eyes had fluttered open in medbay, Jyn was by his side, sleeping in what looked to be the most uncomfortable chair on base, and she was clutching his hand tightly. And as he went through bacta treatments and surgery after surgery to repair his broken body, Jyn was there every step of the way. And even afterward, too, as Cassian learned how to walk all over again, encouraging him, kicking his ass into shape when needed it, and reassuring him in his darkest moments that even though he might need to inhabit a new role within the Rebellion, that hardly meant that he was as useless as he felt.

Through it all, they’d grown closer still, so close that they’d become indispensable to one another. And yet, neither had known quite how to bridge the feelings that had only grown stronger with time.

Neither really knew how to navigate the new level of intimacy they had found with each other. At least - not when they weren’t using that intimacy in service to the cause.

But when they were alone, when they could shed Joreth and Zel in favor of being Jyn and Cassian, that easy intimacy faded into uncertainty and tiptoeing around each other that left them both feeling strangely empty.

Jyn’s skin prickled every time she caught Cassian watching her. The hair on the back of Cassian’s neck stood on end every time he felt her doing the same. And yet … doing anything more seemed impossible.

It was the last night of the conference, and as of yet, Cassian had not found a way to get close enough to the General to plant a tracking device, and the strain was wearing on him - it was wearing on them both. They should have completed the mission by now. They should have been on their way to Yavin 4. They had been avoiding the fact that every touch they shared only just set the blood in their veins on fire .. and only just left them both wanting more.

Jyn breathlessly shuddered her way through another too-quick orgasm as she imagined that it had been given to her by Cassian’s hands, and Cassian’s mouth, and Cassian’s body as it moved in time with hers, Cassian exploring every inch of her body while murmuring in her ear how proud he was of how good she was being for him, Cassian nipping at her lips until she gasped his name, Cassian kissing her into incoherence, and Cassian holding her close in the afterglow, helping her slowly return to reality.

In the shower, hot water cascading all around him, Cassian sighed as he spilled against the stark white of the stall, his hand wrapped firmly around his cock, his breath harsh and fast as the pleasure of his release quickly subsided. Not for the first time, Cassian wished that it was Jyn’s slim, strong fingers wrapped around him, Jyn whispering terrifically naughty things in his ear, and Jyn’s mouth as she pressed tiny kisses along his jawline to his lips, where she’d then press punishing kisses, designed to steal every breath in his body, Jyn getting him off.

But neither could afford to indulge in their fantasies for too long when there was one more night and one more chance to plant their tracking device and get the hell off-world and back to base as soon as possible. The longer they lingered, the higher the chances of being caught.

Cassian and Jyn prepared in silence and by themselves - Cassian in the bathroom and Jyn in the bedroom, both well aware that their mission would be considered a dismal failure even if they brought back information gleaned from other sources. Cassian efficiently dried off, pulling on decadently soft underthings before shaving what little scruff had accumulated since the day before.

Jyn put on piece after piece of exorbitantly luxurious underthings, marveling at the thought that the people that they were emulating lived like this every day.

Cassian pulled on his - Joreth’s - dress uniform, careful to ensure that not a single piece was out of place. He regarded himself critically in the mirror, almost unable to recognize the man staring at him in return. In another life, maybe this is exactly where he would have found himself - some smarmy suck-up looking for any and every opportunity to work his way into a position of power.

A wave of nausea washed over him , and Cassian looked away, busying himself with slicking his hair back, his face all sharp angles and even sharper expression. Despite everything - the pain and loss and heartbreak, the death and destruction, some of which had been caused by his two hands - Cassian felt that he was exactly where he belonged …

Jyn had spent a lifetime struggling to find a way out of the dark that had enveloped her since she was a child. She’d thought that she’d found a place to belong with Saw, but she’d been unceremoniously left behind when she was sixteen, and still needed guidance, structure, a family unit, and although he’d said, back on Jedha, that it had been for her own good, a part of her would always feel heartbroken and betrayed by the man she’d thought of as a surrogate father.

Maybe Jyn never thought that she would find a place to belong within the Rebellion, but when Cassian had leaned in close and murmured ‘Welcome home’, she felt that after everything she’d suffered, she had found a home for herself.

With Cassian.

Jyn was so lost in her thoughts it hardly registered that the soft knock at the bedroom door was Cassian, finished with his bathroom routine, checking to see if she was decent. Had to come in to retrieve his ridiculous boots, after all. Even though her dress was wide open in the back, Jyn still coughed before acknowledging the unspoken query. “Coast is clear, you’re safe to enter.”

The door cracked open and Cassian peeked inside. The sight of him clean-shaven and in uniform was always jarring, and now was no exception. Jyn’s breath caught in her throat as she watched him through the mirror, watched and noted the way his posture and mannerisms had already changed, even though all he was doing was pulling on one shiny knee high boot and then the other.

Cassian felt Jyn’s eyes on him and raised his head to meet her discerning gaze in the mirror, arching an eyebrow curiously as he stood up and stomped one foot and then the other in quick succession, making sure the boots were on properly.

“What?”, he asked, his tone gently amused, despite his stony expression. “You’re staring.”

Again, he wanted to add, even though that would clue Jyn in to the fact that he watched her more often than she probably realized.

Jyn’s cheeks flared red from the embarrassment of being caught looking. She tried to nonchalantly shrug, carefully applying the last of her eyeliner before turning in her chair to face Cassian fully.

“It’s just - “, she began, gesturing vaguely at his face, her own expression a little sheepish as she considered admitting just what was leaving her so disconcerted. “You look like a totally different person when you shave.”

It was easy to play the part of a lovestruck young wife, totally captivated by her handsome husband. Who wouldn’t be awestruck in the presence of such a remarkably handsome man?

Cassan’s lips tugged into a tiny, smirking smile as he slowly made his way closer, his eyes alight with his amusement. “Tell me, Jyn, is that a good thing or a bad thing?”

Realistically, Cassian knew that being able to blend into whatever environment or situation he found himself sent to was an asset - but as it turned out, it was seeing Jyn so flustered that caused a warmth to pool low in his belly and his thoughts to turn down ungentlemanly paths. But those were just thoughts, and Cassian would never put them into action without knowing without a shadow of a doubt that Jyn wanted the same things that he wanted, wanted him in the same ways that he wanted her. He wouldn’t take any liberties with her without her express permission.

Jyn dropped her gaze for a fraction of a second before lifting her chin and meeting Cassian’s warm, dark eyes again. “It’s just different”, she answered shrugging gently. “It’s you, but it’s not you … “

Just as Zel was Jyn, but not quite the same Jyn who had stolen his attention (and his heart, if he was being honest with himself) from their first belligerent interactions. Force, he’d been captivated from the beginning.

(And at the end of all things, he thought that he could have loved her, if only they’d had the time … )

“It’s still us, underneath it all”, he replied, clenching his hands into fists, unclenching them just as quickly. He wanted nothing more than to set hs fingertips against her jaw, to tilt her head up just a touch higher, press his lips to hers and steal the kiss that he’d wanted for so long that it hurt.

Instead, Cassian coughed softly, setting his palm lightly against her back. “Want me to get this zipped up or is this how you were planning to show up to the gala?”

Jyn scoffed quietly, rolling her eyes, even if there was no particular annoyance in the action. “Yes, I suppose Joreth and Zel are not the type to utilize the lift for their particular nefarious purposes, now would they? The Empire probably looks down on that kind of thing, even if they are newlyweds.”

Cassian huffed out what passed as a laugh as he slowly pulled the zipper of Jyn’s dress up, making sure it was fastened tightly. “When they’re alone, though”, he breathed, his voice tightly controlled, “All bets are off.” He hardly knew if the way that he allowed his fingers to brush gently against the bare skin of her back so lightly was real, if not for the way Jyn shivered underneath the soft caress. Cassian might have even tricked himself into believing that he wasn’t even really touching her at all, save for the warmth and softness that left his fingers tingling in the aftermath.

In an act of extraordinary boldness - or maybe it was sliding into the personas of Joreth and Zel instead of Cassian and Jyn - he leaned in closer, a breath wafting across her sensitive upper back, only considering his options momentarily before pressing a tiny kiss just at the base of her neck, his voice a low rumble as he offered (not anything close to what he truly needed to say to her) - “Grab your terrible shoes, we’ve got a job to do.”

And then, regrettably, he pulled away and forced himself to look for the cap that would complete his transformation from Cassian Andor into Joreth Sward for the last time on this mission.

For as much as Jyn wanted Cassian to stay right where he was, as much as every atom in her body craved more of the touch of his hands against her bare skin, she knew that there were better and far more important things to focus on other than her hormones gone haywire.

It was all just a ruse, after all, all the tender glances and affectionate touches, and …

One more night to enjoy the façade. One more opportunity to relish an intimacy they both seemed to shy away from when they were standing in front of each other as Jyn and Cassian, no aliases to hide behind, both too afraid to take a step into the unknown -

Silly, that, considering the fact that only a handful of months before, they had held each other tightly as they awaited their imminent demise - not at all ready to die for their cause, but grateful to be facing it together (both silently mourning the fact that they wouldn’t have more time, wouldn’t have an opportunity to discover what ‘home’ could mean for the both of them … )

Jyn tried to keep her composure, but it was a losing battle to quell any sort of reaction to the heartbreakingly tender caress and a kiss so soft she thought she might have imagined it into being, just because she wanted it that desperately. She held back as much as she could, but there was no hiding the shiver that rocked her from head to foot. There was no explaining away the goosebumps that cropped up in the wake of the kiss. And there was certainly no obscuring the heady little sigh that escaped her lips in the aftermath.

Suddenly, Cassian was gone, and so was the warmth he’d brought with him. Jyn shook her head as though the motion would be enough to clear her head, very well aware by now that no matter the situation, he was hardly ever far from the forefront of her mind. But stars, did she ever want to commit that moment in time to memory.

She stood and stretched and eventually padded over to the bed (too soft, too big, too lonely) where she’d carefully placed her ridiculously high heels, grimacing as she slid one on, and then the other. She’d much prefer boots, something easy to move in. At least the thin, spiky heels could be used as an improvised weapon, should the situation call for it. She pointedly would not think about the extra height they afforded her, the way she found herself fitting just underneath Cassian’s chin instead of eye-level with his mid-chest. When they were close, she could luxuriate in how good he smelled, his warm, rough palm against her lower back, reassuring her of his presence.

And that made all the difference, really, knowing - trusting - that Cassian would always be there. How and why it had happened, Jyn could hardly know, but … he settled her. He grounded her. He had become, in every sense of the word -

Her home.

Cassian was grateful to have a chance to clear his mind before having to step back into Joreth’s headspace. It wasn’t a headspace that he particularly wanted to occupy often. This version of Joreth was proud and brash, shrewd and unconcerned with anything other than climbing the ranks as quickly and as ruthlessly as possible. And maybe he relished the way some of the officers clearly jealously admire Zel, his radiant and equally wily wife, standing proudly at his side.

(Jyn didn’t need much protecting, but Cassian wanted to shield her from the covetous stares, anyway.)

And then she appeared in the doorway, and Cassian’s breath caught. It wasn’t as though he didn’t find her beautiful in regular, every day situations, Force knew he did, but seeing her standing in front of him in her slinky dress, knowing that underneath, strapped securely to her thigh was a vibrobade, just in case, with her hair tumbling over one shoulder, he knew exactly why Joreth would have fallen head over heels for the little spitfire.

The clear admiration lighting Cassian’s eyes would have brought color to her cheeks - but with the last attempt at finishing the mission looming in front of them, Jyn was too distracted to allow herself to get lost in Cassian’s expression for too long. She squared her shoulders and nodded curtly, offering her hand. “Well, husband, shall we? A party just isn’t a party without us.”

The sly little grin that lifted Cassian’s lips was purely a Joreth characteristic, but the amusement was his own. A determined Jyn Erso was truly a sight to be seen. And if she believed that they were going to get the job done, so did he.

Cassian swiftly took Jyn’s offered and hand squeezed her fingers, a reassurance that after all the time spent in planning and preparation for this operation, all the near misses and frustration, they would get it done.

She nodded again, almost imperceptibly, returning the squeeze in the moment before she stepped forward, leading him through the door and toward the lift that would take them to the opulently decorated ballroom to mingle once more among the very people they were fighting so hard to defeat.

Both Jyn and Cassian felt sick to see how unconcerned the Empire seemed, even knowing that somewhere out there, a re-energized Rebellion was making plans to smash the Empire once and for all, to free the galaxy from their iron grip. These people had no idea that Zel and Joreth - Jyn and Cassian - were leading the charge.

With a well-practiced, cavalier gaze, Cassian scanned the packed ballroom until he caught sight of the General, again surrounded by his cadre of well-equipped guards. A waiter passed, carrying drinks in an array of colors. Jyn squeezed Cassian’s fingers as if to ask if he wanted one, and when he shook his head no, she waved the waiter on.

Later, maybe, after the job was done.

They needed to find a way to get close without being conspicuous about it. Cassian leaned in and nuzzled Jyn’s ear briefly. “Does my lovely wife want a nibble?”, he murmured, gesturing to a long table filled with sumptuously decadent dishes, the likes of which they had both never seen before. It would put them in a position better suited to perhaps ingratiating themselves into the General’s entourage, and so -

“Please”, Jyn replied, smiling indulgently as Cassian led her through the crowd. That smile never faded, even when Cassian - Joreth - insisted on feeding her a bite sized bit of the most delicious dessert concoction she had ever had the pleasure of eating. The blush staining her cheeks was very real, though, as was the pleased little noise she made as she took that first bite.

Cassian’ barely held on to any little shred of composure as Jyn’s lips closed around one fingertip and a blaze of white hot heat crackled up and down the length of his spine. Force, if they weren’t in the center of a very public venue - if they weren’t in the middle of a mission, he’d …

The flash in Cassian’s eyes had nothing to do with anger, Jyn knew it as clearly as she knew her own name. Her blush only deepened, and for as much as she wanted to look away - wanted a moment to gather herself, she didn’t, couldn’t take her eyes from Cassian’s face, his expression, wondering if it was what he was feeling rather than if it was what Joreth was supposed to be feeling.

Gently, almost tentatively, Cassian reached out and brushed his thumb against the corner of her mouth, his lips lifting into a small smile. “You had something”, he breathed out, “ - just there.”

Maybe they both imagined how long it took Cassian to drop his hand.

Maybe they didn’t.

A heartbeat passed, and then another, and then both of them seemed to snap back to the realization that they were here with specific orders. They couldn’t just make an approach, they’d be escorted away by the General’s security forces. They could, however, make use of the orchestra hired to play music for the night, like many of the other couples already occupying the dance floor. With a brilliant smile, Jyn extended a hand and hardly hesitated before sweeping Cassian out and onto the floor as fluidly as though she’d been born for it.

There was little for Cassian to do but allow himself to be swept along with Jyn’s - no, Zel’s - enthusiasm. This wasn’t he and Jyn, he had to remind himself, and not for the first time. This was Joreth and Zel. Or at least it was supposed to be. Cassian and Jyn could not afford to be so carefree.

And yet, that didn’t mean that he didn’t enjoy her soft gasp as he placed one palm against her back, urging her close, and that didn’t mean that Cassian couldn’t take pleasure in the pink coloring her cheeks as his other hand settled at her waist, holding her steady.

The smile that he shared with her then was pure Joreth, all cocky charm, but the soft fondness in his eyes was all Cassian, all for Jyn, only ever for Jyn.

Jyn curled an arm around Cassian’s neck, and wound one loosely around his middle, and on the silent count of one, two, three, he whisked her into the crowd, blending in seamlessly as they swirled around the floor, the music ebbing and flowing, softening and strengthening, flowing through their veins, coaxing them to dip and twirl, to glide along the floor like there was nobody else around.

The music came to a crescendo - Jyn and Cassian staring into each other’s eyes, breathing hard, needy, there was nothing stopping them from - nothing left in the moment to do other than …

Their mouths crashed together like waves crashing on a beach, their arms tightening around each other, the only two people in the room …

The only two people in the world -

Until a hand clapped down on Cassian’s shoulder, startling he and Jyn away from each other, Jyn looked down, flushing madly, and Cassian’s glassy eyed stare took a moment to clear, only snapping to attention the moment that he realized that it was the General himself that had interrupted their … moment.

“Sward, was it?”, the General asked, his voice as slick and oily as Jyn had imagined it would be. “We haven’t had the pleasure of speaking yet, have we? I’m sure your lovely wife - “, he paused, blatantly looking Jyn up and down before turning his gaze back to Cassian, “Won’t mind if I steal you away for a bit?”

“Of course not, sir”, Cassian replied, nodding, “Just as long as you bring me back to her in one piece.”

“No promises, Lieutenant”, the General answered, sweeping Cassian away before Jyn could get a word in edgewise. Good. This was very good indeed. She busied herself speaking to some of the other guests taking up residence at the dessert table, with an eye always on Cassian, on him as he -

Spoke seriously with the General …

Gesticulated wildly …

Laughed conspiratorially …

And as he congenially patted the General’s shoulder as they smiled and spoke a little bit more, which she knew was Cassian planting the tiny tracker on the older man’s clothing.

But before he could take his leave, make his way back to Jyn’s side so that they could make an escape …

A loud boom and screams filled the air as people began to panic and run for the exits. It wasn’t the Rebellion, though - it must have been a homegrown group that had tired of the Empire’s presence on their planet. Cassian ducked low, pulling the General with him, sharp eyes scouring the room until he caught sight of Jyn, kicking off her shoes and making a run for it. She’d meet him at the rendezvous point later, he was certain of it. He’d have left the General to fend for himself if the man wasn’t such a highly valued target.

They needed him and the valuable intel he would provide. “With me, sir”, he ordered, prepared to fight his way out of the ballroom if need be.

Three excruciatingly long hours later, Cassian limped aboard the transport, and Jyn nearly jumped out of her skin. He was battered and a little bloody, but he was still with her, still in one piece. “I’m fine”, he offered, well before she even asked the question. “Let me get us out of atmo, and then I’ll clean up a bit.”

She didn’t ask questions. He didn’t offer many answers, hissing softly every time she wiped dried blood away from bruised and skinned knuckles, still and patient even when she pressed too hard against a lip split at the corner. “He’s fine”, Cassian finally stated, breaking the silence surrounding them. “Mission was a success.”

“I don’t care about the mission”, Jyn replied, damning the tremble in her voice. Maybe this wasn’t the right time, but maybe there never would be. She wasn’t going to wait anymore. She couldn’t. Not after the thought that she might have lost Cassian all over again, a thought that she couldn’t bear to entertain. “I care about you. Don’t do that again, Cassian. Don’t scare me like that. I don’t know what I’d do if … “

Cassian surged forward, breaching the distance between them until there was barely any space leftover. “I’m sorry”, he murmured, his hand gentle as he brushed stray hair away from her eyes. “I can’t promise anything else, though.”

Jyn couldn’t ask for anything else, and she knew that. What they had was not ideal, but it would have to be enough. “Just come back to me”, she mumbled, and although no more talking was done when their lips were better occupied with kissing, she thought she could feel ‘always’ in every single kiss, and every single touch Cassian graced her with.

Cassian wished that their first time could have occurred in that big, lavish bed in their hotel room, and could have lasted an entire night through, but there was no holding back when Jyn was kissing him, and touching him, undressing him, exploring him underneath deft fingertips. And when she straddled his lap and took him into her, he knew he would never be the same.

Afterwards, curled up together in their too-small bunk, he huffed out a breath as he traced nondescript little patterns into the skin of her shoulder. “Suppose I should’ve prefaced that with I love you … “

Jyn rolled her eyes, although there was no particular heat behind the gesture. “Idiot”, she retorted, nuzzling closer. “I love you, too.”


End file.
